Gwyneth Paltrow, Green Eggs, and Vaginas.

Gwyneth Paltrow has sold a lot of interesting products on her Goop website. For some reason, it seems like some of the most popular products have to do with her customers’ vaginas.

Back in January 2015, the actress recommended that her readers squat over a steaming pot of hot water infused with herbs and aromatic plants such as mugwort. According to Gwynie, the process was a thousand-year old Korean medical technique. Doing it will both “cleanse your uterus” and “balance female hormone levels.”  Paltrow wrote: “If I find a benefit to it and it’s getting a lot of page views, it’s a win-win.”

But then Women’s Health magazine investigated the $50 process and discovered there are potential damaging side effects (imagine!). These include negatives like a disruption of the natural flora of the vagina. And of course it’s not hard to imagine how V-steaming can cause nasty burns if not carefully administered.

Gwyneth PaltrowNow the Oscar-nominated actress is back with her latest risqué vajayjay play. Believe it or not, Paltrow wants women to insert a solid jade egg about the size of a golf ball into their vaginas and hold it there all day or night.

On her site Paltrow describes the eggs as, “the strictly guarded secret” ancient Chinese concubines used to please their Emperors. According to Gwynie, the eggs will “increase vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general,” as well as enhance the users’ orgasms.

But according to The Washington Post, Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB/GYN for Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco, called the idea “the biggest load of garbage” she’s read on Goop since vaginal steaming and worse than saying wearing bras is linked to cancer.

Even with Dr. Gunter’s warnings, the $66 dollar eggs are completely sold out.

Please don’t confuse good, accurate health care advice – or most any other kind of accurate information, for that matter – with business pitches by Gwyneth Paltrow or anyone else.

For example:

  1. Gwyneth Paltrow recommends women insert jade eggs in their vaginas.
  2. Gatorade suggests that if  you consume their sports drink you can  “Be Like Mike.”
  3. Actress Jenny McCarthy insists that giving vaccines to children causes autism.
  4. Donald Trump says global warming is a plot by the Chinese to damage our economy.

Here’s the truth:

  1. Sticking eggs, jade or otherwise, where they don’t belong doesn’t do anyone any good. Except the people who sell the eggs of course.
  2. Even though I’m almost 6’5″ I can’t reach a basketball hoop. And that’s regardless of what kind of fancy sugar water I drink. Until Gatorade starts selling jetpacks, I’ll NEVER be like Mike. Still, ESPN considers the Gatorade spot one of the most famous commercials of all time.
  3. Vaccines have been repeatedly proven to have nothing to do with autism. Yet the actress’ baseless proclamations earned her incredible amounts of airtime and kept her career alive much longer than her talent (or lack of talent) would have suggested.
  4. The planet posted record high temperatures almost every year across the entire 20th and 21st centuries. Global warming is real. And Donald Trump is now the 45th president of the United States.

Benjamin Disraeli said: “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” You can comfortably add “political discourse” and “sales pitches” to his list.

P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

Gwyneth Paltrow said, “The first time I tried v-steaming, I was like, ‘This is insane.’ I enjoy trying things. I don’t necessarily endorse all of them, but I like to try them and write about them. It makes for really good content.”

That makes sense only if you define “good content” as what attracts readers and what sells product as opposed to what’s actually true. Perhaps Paltrow is simply using what top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway calls, “alternative facts.” What is unquestionable is that Gwynie has taken her rightful spot on a long list of people who have proven the business benefits of following Barnum’s advice.