Click HERE to watch video.
Setting Boundaries.
Bill told me his New Year's resolution was to take Fridays off.
But then he told me that he woke up early on Friday morning three weeks ago and went into the office. Somewhere on the drive over, it dawned on him that something that required him to work had come up every Friday since the beginning of the year.
What's worse, he told me that since New Year's Day, he dreads going to his office on Mondays. Why? Because he had already been working on Saturday and Sunday, and so he had no time off; just work, work, work.
When I asked Bill why he went into the office on Fridays after promising not to, he answered quietly.
“I only have myself to blame. When my client asked if I could meet on Friday, I said ‘Yes.'” Bill didn't understand about setting boundaries.
Finally, Bill had enough. And after we talked, he said he was done. No more Friday appointments and no more coming into the office on weekends.
Since then, his life has been different.
When I started my design firm some years ago, the ad agency we aspired to emulate was Chiat Day. They had a reputation for doing breakthrough work. They also had a reputation for working through evenings and weekends.
When people were hired, they were given a company t-shirt printed with a legend that read, “If you don't come in on Saturday, don't bother coming in on Sunday.”
Another one said, “Chiat Day. 24/7/365.”
Was that trade-off, surrendering all your free time to impress big clients and win advertising awards, worth it?
Chiat Day thought so. And back then, I thought so too.
Setting Boundaries.
In his book, The Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman lists the five priorities his studies show most people look for in their relationships:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Gifts
- Acts of Service, and
- Physical Touch.
Chapman writes that we can discover people's unique love language by delving into the recurrent themes of their complaints about their romances.
This may be true in other areas of our lives as well.
Take the issue of Bill's feeling overworked, for example. Bill never complained about the accolades he received from his clients (Words of Affirmation), his remuneration (Gifts), the purpose of his work (Acts of Service), nor his relationships with his clients (granted, I might be stretching here because Physical Touch has no place in most professional relationships).
Bill complained about his lack of Quality Time. And that's what he needed to set boundaries to protect.
But as the old saying goes, “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are it's a duck.”
What could you eliminate from your life that would make you happier?
I just looked in the mirror and saw myself in your article.
Bill’s story is my story. It seems that every time I try to take a few days off, an emergency comes up and I say yes to a client. Then I work on it while supposedly on “vacation.” It’s happening this week.
I never worked at Chiat Day, but I’ve lived that life.
Thank you for the big wake-up call. This is my last interrupted vacation.
Bruce, please know that there are people out here who are reading every one of your articles. You are making a huge contribution to so many people – and I’m at the top of that list.
Thank you for your very kind words, Melia.
I’ve written before that writing these posts is often like yelling into a chasm and waiting for a response — even an echo — to prove that someone is hearing what I’m saying.
I loved your comments, and I’m also going to use your example of an un”interrupted vacation” because we’re leaving for a few weeks. Thanks to your reminder, I will do my best to practice what I preached.
Another excellent and well-timed post, Bruce.
Thanks Al!
Thanks, Bruce. Such a timely topic for me. COVID and a few other personal issues forced me to re-evaluate my work/life balance. I too used to follow the Chiat example of being available 24/7 and letting clients know they could count on me for that. I encourage that in the people who reported to me as well and was kind of shocked over the past five years to see how unwilling a lot of the younger people at our company were to buy in to that concept. During COVID, I came to realize, they were right, I was wrong. I’ve come to realize that for me, workaholism was an attempt at overcompensation for a deep rooted feeling that I wasn’t good enough and needed to do more to compete. Over years, I became resentful of clients who didn’t seem to be fully appreciative of my sacrifices, sacrifices they never asked me to make. I also realized that by undervaluing my time and commitment, I was putting out the message that others were free to undervalue it as well. Wish I had realized it sooner, but grateful to have realized it now.
Ron Culberson is right! The Five Love Languages is one of the only relationship books that truly works.
Also, as most reading this know boundaries are important in many other areas as well… what you’re willing to take from others or not, what you’re willing to allow… there’s a level to which selfishness with your time – which is your life – is a necessary thing
Two things: First, the Five Love Languages is the most effective, simple, and practical approach to relationships. Once you understand another person’s language, it’s easy to show you care. Second, one of the most important things I ever learned in social work school was to set boundaries–in relationships, with my time, with my responsibilities. At this stage in my life, I’m very good about knowing what is a good fit for me and I am willing to say “no” when I need to. Great blog.
Bruce’s Blurbs (Blurkels?) are always worth the time.
Always thoughtful and thought provoking.
Bruce injects some quality time into our lives whether we want it or not.
Thanks for the very kind words Bill.