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Super Bowl Commercials

Maybe I'm getting old and cranky (it's okay; you won't be the first to say it), but I thought this year's Super Bowl commercials were pretty terrible. Of the 57 commercials aired, there wasn't one that made me think or feel something so strong I had to forward the spot to my kids or a friend with a note that said, “OMG. You gotta watch this.”

It's not like there wasn't a lot at stake. The slot for each 30-second spot cost around $7 million to reach between 100 and 115 million viewers. And, of course, the 45 and 60-second spots cost even more. And that doesn't even begin to count the millions and millions more dollars the advertisers spent on production and celebrity endorsements.

With all that time, money, and effort, is what we saw Sunday night the best they can do?

Think about the never-ending parade of celebrities you saw in the ads: J-Lo, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Snoop Dog, Sylvester Stallone, , , Vince Vaughn, Wayne Gretsky, Willie Nelson, Martha Stewart, Sir Patrick Stewart, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Mr. T, Chris Walken, Chris McCaffery, Chris Pratt, Kris Jenner, , Jack Black, Jack McBrayer, Jack Harlow, Hugh Jackman, Rob Riggle, Rob Gronkowski, Jane Krakowski, Glenn Close, Peyton Manning, Post Malone, Michael Cera, Cardi B,  LL Cool J, J. Adams, JJ Watt, Matthew MacFadyen, Steve Carell, Jennifer Coolidge, Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Aniston, Jenna Ortega, Kevin Hart, Eric André, Charlie D'Amelio, Fat Joe, Meghan Trainor, Rick Hoffman, Sarah Rafferty, Gina Torres, Benito Skinner, Heidi N. Closet, Emmanuel Acho, Ryan Gosling, , Emily Blunt, John Cena, Dr. Clarence B. Jones, Marshawn Lynch, , Amy Schumer, Lil Wayne, Heidi Gardner, Danny DeVito,  Dan Levy, Dan Marino, Bruce Smith, Terrell Owens, Scarlett Johansson, Lionel Messi, Aubrey Plaza, Nick Offerman, Addison Rae, Martin Lawrence, Shannon Sharpe, Ken Jeong, Lainey Wilson, Jelly Roll, June, Robert Kennedy Jr., Jeremy Renner, Tony Romo, Tony Hale, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Momoa, Jason Sudekis, Donald Faison, Zach Braff, Bradley Cooper, Common, Laura Dern, Gabriel Macht, Pete Davidson, David Schwimmer, , Victoria Beckham, , Ariana Grande, Cynthia Erivo, Kanye West, and even Taylor Swift's BFF Keleigh Sperry.

Just imagine what they all cost!

The are even more challenging to make because plenty of the celebrities were in more than one commercial and shilling for entirely different products.

But regardless of all the expense, I'm willing to bet you can't connect more than one or two celebrities with the products they were because they had no logical or emotional connection to those products in the first place. They were simply people you recognized getting paid to sell stuff.

And no, Robert Kennedy Jr. and Kanye West don't even count because they were just selling themselves.

Super Bowl Commercials

Sure, The Farmer's Dog ad was sweet, and Dove's “Hard Knocks,” the Jes.us commercials, and The Foundation to Combat Antisemitism's spot discussed important topics. But since when is Super Bowl Sunday the right time to have a serious conversation with rabid football fans anyway?

As I said on national TV news a few days before the Super Bowl, the quality of these spots can all be judged by how much liquid you produced when you watched them.

A commercial was delectable if it made your mouth water.

A commercial was touching if it made you tear up a little.

And a commercial was funny if it caused you to pass your drink through your nose.

But if all the commercial did was give you a good excuse to get up and go to the bathroom, then that's about all it was worth.

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